She Deserves Better

       It’s now Tuesday morning,2 days before Thanksgiving. This year,as I’ve stated, Thanksgiving falls on Karen’s Birthday. Karen has been a quiet warrior each and every day that she’s been disabled. She’s also been a quiet,shy,sweet,generous woman who has not had the best luck in this life. She’s sweet, doesn’t have a cross word for anyone,and has never intentionally hurt anyone in her life. She sacrificed for the good of those she loved. In 2013,about 6 months after we were married,she came home from work the night after Thanksgiving and found her Mom’s bedroom door locked. She couldn’t get her to answer the door. She was terrified. She called the police,then me at work. The police busted down the bedroom door,and Karen’s Mom was expired. Karen was beyond devastated. She blamed herself. She took care of her everyday for years,but still felt like she should’ve done more. Nothing could’ve been further from the truth.

      She feels like she doesn’t deserve to be made a fuss over. She’s so gentle and warm hearted and kind. She doesn’t want much,has never had that much,but deserves so much more than she has ever gotten. That might include me,too. That’s how helpless I feel sometimes,as much as I give her all my care and attention,I always ask myself “Why can’t I do more to make sure her life is happy and secure?” I’ve been by her side for 8 years,everyday. I did this despite not being able to be paid by the state of NY to care for her. As I’ve stated dozens of times, a social worker at Dutchess County Social Services told me if I wanted to be paid,I should divorce her. I’m sorry,but I wasn’t going to do that for any price.

     Before we ever asked the public for help to survive,we survived on everything we worked for years for,until there was nothing left. Now that we’ve had to live in this hotel for over 14 months,yes,we were accepted into a program to live in an apartment 45 minutes away. We still have to pay 30 percent of Karen’s $1,400 Social Security check (our only income) towards that rent. Yes,the move should’ve happened weeks ago. Yes,I’ve pushed everyday to expedite it. I cannot push any harder. I’m doing everything I can.

     In the meantime,she’s had 6 operations this year. She’s suffering on dialysis,she’s weak, exhausted,and still doesn’t want to be made a fuss over. Doesn’t feel like she deserves it. I’ve tried to show her,tell her,and treat her like she does deserve. However,this moment right now,even though I suspended official fundraising, I only ask to help me give her a special day on Thursday. We don’t have a way to cook a Thanksgiving dinner,but that doesn’t matter. We only want to be together with the cats,and watch the parade and the dog show and have some food,and I want her to be surprised that people thought of her on her Special Day. We don’t know if she’ll be eligible for the transplant list. Her health is not good.

     So please,for these next few days,if you can help at all, please DM me on X or

CASHAPP $BFN73

PAYPAL BN11473@GMAIL.COM or Brian Nearey

VENMO KAREN-NEAREY-1 (to the picture of Scootie)

This post I’m not ashamed of posting. This is not for ME this is for KAREN. She’s been through enough. She deserves some happiness,no matter how temporary. This will only run until Friday. I’ll delete the request for help after the show Friday night. Thank you for understanding my purpose here. I can’t help wanting this for her. Please help me make it come true

Bless You All

Brian

POSTSCRIPT…

     Karen slept a lot today. She felt the morose atmosphere of waking up in a hotel for a second consecutive birthday and Thanksgiving. She wasn’t feeling well physically,but emotionally,as much as I tried to lift her spirits,there was a sadness in her eyes that wouldn’t disappear for very long. Yes,she was grateful for everyone’s well wishes and encouragement. That goes without saying. Karen is a person who has been hurt profoundly throughout her life. It took me years for her to even acknowledge that the things that happened to her were not normal,and that she never deserved them. Yes,she gets up everyday,and she is willing to physically fight for her life by going to treatments, surgeries,doctor and hospital visits. However,the wounds she carries emotionally are scars that are deep. These scars aren’t something she wants to burden anyone with. She doesn’t know how to express the pain she feels. Yes,she has a therapist,but she has still not opened up fully to her. It’s a process. She has a built in fear of asking for help. I know how to break through,but I can’t heal all of the toxicity by myself. She has to move at her own speed. It’s so difficult for her to trust anyone for fear of being rejected or dismissed or judged. The thing that makes this so outrageously unfair is she’s so gentle and kind that there is no amount of recompense that would be sufficient to heal her enough to release that deep,intense heartworn pain. I give her all I have within me to help her feel understood and cared for and loved unconditionally. However,I learned over the years that I can’t heal it all,and yes,it’s excruciatingly painful for me to know that. However,as someone who grew up way earlier than he should have had to,I fully understand and empathize with how she feels. I have my own perilous emotions that lie within my soul. Yes, I attempt to live my life with them in a place that I can advance forward without it being a daily hindrance. The truth is some scars don’t heal. Some emotions that are residual negativity from those scars spring up within me at my weakest moments. They cause anxiety,bouts of depression and sadness,self doubt,and damage to my self esteem. I try to recognize when they are affecting me,then use coping mechanisms to emerge from them in a short amount of time. My story is long and complicated and you’ll all hear it someday. I just wanted you all to know that when I do ask for help, my anxiety levels go to extremes. I don’t want to burden anyone,and being that I always worked from age 13 on, it’s terrifying to ask people for money and makes me feel like such a failure at the same time. I’m putting that aside because this is only for Karen. If I can focus on not worrying so much about finances,I’ll have more energy and determination to try and help Karen get to a better plateau in this journey towards a healthier and happier life,if that’s God’s plan. I realize the odds are against us as far as the transplant lists. I don’t care. Whatever time she has left should damn well be the most optimal experience it can be. So yes, that’s why I continue to reluctantly ask for monetary help so I can keep fighting this endless battle. I hope you all understand. We’re both eternally grateful for all of you,and we always will be.

Brian